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The Return of the BR Crit Meme 
20th-Aug-2010 11:05 pm
It's that time again, I feel! Actually, even if it weren't that time, this comm needs a kick right in the nads to get it moving, and I'm donning the steel toed boot.


1. Post your character's name in a comment
2. Receive criticism, suggestions, etc on your writing/characterisation, etc
3. Leave comments along the same lines for others

Consider this one sentence your warning on conduct. 8| I know where you all live.
20th-Aug-2010 10:11 pm (UTC)
20th-Aug-2010 10:48 pm (UTC)
Technically, I really enjoy your writing. I think I actually commented on that in your most recent post. It's distinct, but approachable.

As for Yuki himself, there's not much yet that I think makes him stick out for something other than his diabetes, although I do think you've done a good job with his overall reaction to the events of BR, he's been pretty realistic. Buuut having talked about your next post about a week or so ago, I think it is gonna give him the kick he needs, so I'm really looking forward to that. I can't really think of anything else to say, since we're just starting to come out of the exposition of the version. He just needs a big moment, and hopefully he'll come out of it with something new, like a motivation/goal or perspective. :)
20th-Aug-2010 10:23 pm (UTC)
21st-Aug-2010 01:19 am (UTC)

So far I'm really liking Koshirou. I was hoping his religion wouldn't overshadow him and it really isn't, but it's there as an undercurrant, which is great. Rejecting it in anger and then turning back to it in fear was a really nice touch.

I hate to sound like I'm copying your advice, but I think Koshirou needs something big to happen to really put him out there, show who he really is and what the Programme's really going to make of him. He's still a little bit of a mystery to me. To be honest, though, I think a lot of people still need that, it's still relatively early, so it's not a big deal at all, I don't think.
20th-Aug-2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
I know I've only done two posts...but I'll take what I can get.

20th-Aug-2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
Kodaaa! Your writing is just fine to me, no complaints here. Structurally, I think you could have omitted the conversation Benji and Koda had in Shia's post from your recent one. You can rehash a conversation without going line-from-line in dialogue, otherwise I'm just kinda thinking, "Alright, this happened already, I'm ready to read something new." That's my own personal taste, I'm sure others here don't mind it as much.

So far, I don't have qualms with the character itself. I'm interested in seeing what he's like as a student and kid, as opposed to his perspective as a father. I'm actually curious as to what that balance will be, so I'm looking forward to your future posts! :)
21st-Aug-2010 12:52 am (UTC)
23rd-Aug-2010 10:29 am (UTC)
Wellll I do say I really enjoy the overall writing style that you use which makes it really simple and easy to read posts. I also like how you expand on topics but don't go OTT about them so congrats. ^^ I also like that you seem to have a sequence of what you want to do with Chie, well it seems like that to me anyway, which helps with the structure and all. :)

Overall and lamely I don't have much of a problem with Chie as a character at all. I really like how her vulnerablity is portrayed and I do like seeing the gradual climb of Chie gaining some backbone but just be careful that you don't rush that development, especially when you come to a point where you might want to kills off some npc's or something. Umm, also I be really interested to see Chie interact with some people that she wouldn't really associate herself with rather then it being friends. I did enjoy the relation with Makoto which worked nicely, although I did expect more of a shock to him killing Satoshi? But yeah, it was him protecting and all I guess so ehh. XD

A bit more on her home/school life would be good but really I don't have much complaints. Well done in making Chie a distinctive character! ^^
21st-Aug-2010 04:27 am (UTC)
22nd-Aug-2010 03:19 am (UTC)
Oh, Kat Kat. 83

She's so awesomely creepy. You're doing a good job so far of writing her own justification for the creepy things she does, so keep that up. Also, you're doing well with making her sympathetic while at the same time making it obvious that her behavior isn't meant to be seen as "okay." Obviously Katsue's got issues that can't just be glossed over in one post, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with her.

The one thing I was kinda "ehh" about was the sidestory thing with her family. I'm not sure if you're planning on adding more or just leaving it at that, or if there's a conclusion you want to reach with it, but sidestories don't usually grab my interest unless they're relevant to something in-game. If you're just using it to show her family dynamics, I think you could get the same thing across in flashbacks. Then again, little bits of sidestory or commentary on the Program can be really interesting if done right, so I guess it's all in the execution.


But I do really rabu Katsue and I can't wait to read more about her. ♥
22nd-Aug-2010 07:54 pm (UTC)
Haruka Yoshida~! Much appreciated. ^^

And I will eventually leave feedback on everyone else so bear with me!
23rd-Aug-2010 12:28 am (UTC)
Haruka is really good so far, Josh! I think you're doing a great job with her, especially considering she wasn't originally a character you created. I like the Program stuff a lot, and I thought the relationship between Haruka and Erika was well done and I'm looking forward to seeing how Haruka copes with her death.

One thing I've noticed is that there have been a lot of flashbacks focusing on Haruka's internet boyfran and the naked picture scandal, whether it's the relationship/scandal itself or Haruka's insecurities in the months afterward. I would like to see more about Haruka's life before the nude pics, and why she's the kind of girl who would get involved in something like that in the first place. I think the relationship/pictures/people's reactions to them are definitely important, but now that there've already been a few flashbacks concerning them, adding more might make the plotline stretch too thin.

Up to you, though, of course!
22nd-Aug-2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
23rd-Aug-2010 07:59 pm (UTC)
Ayane is really cool so far. o/ She's very different from Mimiko and I'm interested in seeing where you go with her. I thought it was an interesting choice to have her kill Shirou and then basically justify doing it, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what she does next. >:3

The only crit I can really think of right now is that I noticed in your dialogue you do a lot of stuttering. It's the kind of thing I can only take in small doses without it starting to grate on me, so maybe cutting back on it a bit? Other than that, just keep up what you've been doing!
24th-Aug-2010 03:26 pm (UTC)
I like Ayane a lot, Daviiid. :) You've managed to make her really likable and sweet so far, and even when Shirou really shoulda been the victim, you managed to twist it around and make it seem like Ayane was. I thought it was really well done. And I think her schoolgirl crush on Makoto has been well done, too. I like that she actually does kind of just focus on his looks, for the most part, even if she does like his personality, too. The talk of how hawt he is seems very high school to me, aha. :)

For crit... I think there's sometimes too much dialogue. Well, maybe not too much dialogue, per say, but there's big blocks of dialogue w/o any description, and it kind of irks me after a while. Obviously doesn't need to be something after every line of dialogue (because that would get boring after a while, too, I'm sure), but it's nice to break it up with a little bit on maybe what the character is doing/etc.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else to crit. I'd like to see more about Ayane's mom and her death and how that affected Ayane, though, because I'm thinking that's a big part of Ayane, and we haven't really seen a lot of it so far (fair enough, though, it is still early).
24th-Aug-2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
I think you've managed to get a lot of characterization out of Ayane so far. The dead mother storyline has been given a lot of attention and I think it's the sort that really deserves more than just one flashback and it's over. I like how it's affecting her, even in situations where you wouldn't expect it to such as how she feels jealous of the other girls in her gymnastics team because they have a mother to cheer her on and watch her participate in competitions.

The crush on Makoto feels very genuine to me and I agree with Shaun that it's funny how she does seem to like him most for his looks - she's a bit superficial, but a lot of teenage girls are, it's actually a good thing. It might be fun to see her accept or not accept this.

Shirou's death was fine, you really took the time to get her justifications for killing him clear.

The only things I can think of are structure-wise - for which I'll echo Shaun and Laurra. Re: stuttering, I guess try to speak the dialogue out loud to see if it's appropriate for the situation? Dialogue-wise, I think you could make it sound more lively if you broke the big blocks of text up in shorter sentences and give descriptions of what Ayane does, the tone of her voice, body language, etc.

Other than that, looking forward to see more of her, especially (I say it to almost everyone here, haha) more of her relationships with the other classmates, maybe stuff about how she moved to the island, more of her family life, etc.
22nd-Aug-2010 08:54 pm (UTC)
Makoto Kokubo. :)
23rd-Aug-2010 01:51 am (UTC)
This is gonna be boring buuuut...

I have really little criticism for Makoto so far. He's absolutely my favourite character of v10! :D And Shaun, your writing improves so much from version to version!

Actually, my only crit is from pre-game Makoto where he was kind of... ridiculously arrogant. XD Of course, the arrogance was more of a joke than anything but I think at times it made him an unlikeable character. But since the game started that unlikeability has been eradicated.

So yeah, I have no advice really. Perhaps try and veer away from him being too overly emotional about killing Satoshi? Other than that, pretty perfect so far. :)
23rd-Aug-2010 12:28 am (UTC)
23rd-Aug-2010 01:22 am (UTC)
I like Etsurou a lot so far, Koy. He's really like one of those guys everyone knows, the frat boy kind of guy. I dunno if this is really criticism, but I didn't get the impression from the profile that Etsurou was a huge douchebag -- just kind of an asshole, sort of -- but from the way you write him, he really, really is one huuuge douchebag. I don't know if I just got the wrong impression, but yeah. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Also I did think Yori was written OOCly, but I thought her death was pretty well done. And I didn't really get why Etsurou's babysitter had sex with him when he was so young, but I would like to see more of how that affected Etsurou! I think it could be cool if it was expanded upon.

Other than that, I don't have anything else to say, really. :)
23rd-Aug-2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
Aya Nishiyama.
23rd-Aug-2010 10:01 pm (UTC)
I like Aya a lot so far, Rianne! I think she's easier to relate to than Kaz was, and you have a really good voice for her - your English seems to flow better this version, too (not that it was ever bad). I like that Aya's tough but she has that vulnerability underneath. She's fun to read about.

One thing I would advise against is repetitiveness. I feel like when Aya was with Masaru, they went through the same cycles of arguing and making up quite a few times before he finally died. It's good to keep NPCs alive for a while while you're developing them, but sometimes people keep them around for tooo long and I think Masaru was around for a little too long. That's really the only thing I can think of to crit you on, though.

I'm really looking forward to reading more. I can't even really think of any particular flashbacks I want to see, because I think you're doing a good job of focusing on the different parts of Aya's backstory. Just keep up what you're doing so far, I guess!
24th-Aug-2010 05:29 am (UTC) - BENJIRO TAKAGI
Ignoring the fact that Benji has only 2, though soon to be 3, posts thus far (at least they're all at least double the word length of posts in some previous versions I've done ._.) and that I obviously need to post more... I would really love to hear some concrit for this fellow!

Whether you want to leave it now or wait until I get that 3rd post up is cool, but hit me with your best shot everyone :>
25th-Aug-2010 03:25 am (UTC) - Re: BENJIRO TAKAGI
I'm just going to base this off your first two posts, and then if I see anything that jumps out at me in your third, I'll comment again. o/

I'm enjoying Benji a lot. I think he's one of your best characters already, which is not to say that I haven't loved your previous ones, but I think he's really special. And I can tell you're putting a lot of thought into him.

Your writing, at this point, reads perfectly to me - case in point, normally I don't really care for present-tense in the Program section, but I don't even really notice it with Benji because I'm just enjoying the story and invested in the character. In your first post, the writing was a little more... IDK how to describe it - detached? it wasn't bad by any stretch, but I didn't feel like I was right there in Benji's head or anything - but in your second post that problem has completely disappeared, for me, so I think it's great. o/

I loved the flashback with Benji's father and I'd like to see a little bit more of his family, and of course APPLES 83, but I don't have anything in particular that I think needs to be addressed right now, so just keep on doing what you're doing.
25th-Aug-2010 04:14 pm (UTC)
Who has two thumbs and needs a critique?

This guy!
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